RT @jewishcomedians: "He who hesitates is poor." ~Mel Brooks Jewish Comedy quotes

To close the gap with young voters Romney chooses Apple's app Siri as his running mate for vice president, even though it's calender only allows him to schedule vacation and retirement for every date past November 2011...

Join the email list! www.alfredward.blogspot.com

Join the email list! www.alfredward.blogspot.com

If I had a fan club I'd wear disguises and go to the meetings... and bad mouth myself until I led of group of them into creating a "We Hate Alfred Club" and then reveal my true identity on our one year anniversary... such fun!

When people ask me how do you do what you do I answer its something you live not just something you do. Acting, comedy, writing, poetry, rap, the list goes on

Join the email list! www.alfredward.blogspot.com

Join the email list! www.alfredward.blogspot.com

Starting my email blast up which will replace my constant social networking efforts. Only 500 people allowed for now so inbox me your email address so I can send you an invite!

chicken and waffles or crawfish? hmmmm

I think I'm going to stock up on star trek next generation clothing and just wear that for the next ten years... from sleepwear, formal, to the bridge... they had it all!

At the job I like to imagine all the women are just waiting for me to get out of training so I can be assigned to their team... of course I'm going to introduce them to my Polynesian mail order bride fay-fay... as soon as i can find my fedex tracking number

<.:.:.:.:.:.>

I'm looking for women to take part in my TV pilot "First Dates with Alfred @ Denny's"

Sobriety always tries to lead me to believe I could possibly be doing something other than what I'm doing right now... That just ain't right I tell ya! Bad Bad sobriety down boy!

Hey americans new to foodstamps if you find them so insulting why dont you stop overburdening the system that helps people who appreciate it

Hitting up the Stardome Comedy Club in B'Ham about the open mic... put me on the list suckaz! Ima rock dat joint!

Am I the only one who farts in elevators full of people just when I'm stepping off and turns around to see the look on their faces as the door closes...

RT @garyowencomedy: I know there's piñatas of @FloydMayweather all over Mexico & Puerto Rico. That's the only way to beat him.

RT @jewishcomedians: "When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her tolook me in the face. That's the price she has to pay." ~Groucho Marx Quotes

Sobriety is scary...

RT @huffingtonpost: WATCH: Kanye's 'Lost in the World' video finally arrived http://t.co/cOLuczmX

Don't forget the supermoon!

Don't forget the supermoon!

Never let ignorance be a reason not to try... Just look at politics, ignorance succeeds a little everyday! Live your dreams!

Since I can't find anyone to play spades or shoot pool who's up for an UNO & LEGO PARTY! ... No One? Screw you guys, I'm going home...

Your word is your bond. Like your balls you break it for no one! My words are more like LEGO blocks. With action figures, shapes and colors!

Girl we can chill at home to floetry as long as we ride out to UGK!

This chick once told me I wasn't thuggish and rough enough for her so I punched her in the gut.... It worked... I was confused...

This chick once told me I wasn't black enough for her, I told her to go look in the mirror and figure out a reason why I should give a damn.

When she said man up I turned off my cartoons and turned on scifi but only util adult swim came on... that's all you're getting!

Instead of continuing the war we should just give everyone in Afghanistan iphones & androids... soon after they'll stop thinking for themselves.......... Look at us! Fight smart not hard!

There's always that moment when tutoring kids over 12 for the big test when I ask them what cheating methods have they tried so far...

Being a man is never having to say "OMG I'm pregnant!" That just about sums it up...

Twitter, the last place to be free online... until CNN blasts one of your tweets and all of America considers you to be a jerk...

Obama better sing while Bill Clinton backs him up on the sax... In 2012 that's what politics is all about baby! That and rich politicians making sure poor people don't receive the same welfare benefits that they enjoy... It's taxpayers money isn't it?

@Klout is just like being in a relationship. Apparently regardless of what you do it changes a little bit everyday and no one knows why..

Sooo I found this PS2 and Xbox sitting on the side of the street... Why not throw em in the trunk... Playing Grand Theft Auto right now lol! ... One man's trash is another's ______. You know the deal.

I'm done... Find me on twitter @iamaward

Overcommunication has ruined a lot of relationships... Why do you keep bringing it up when you KNOW they're not going to understand...

I discovered English isnt my first language but it must make do because throwing poop is socially unacceptable no matter how effective it is

RT @jewishcomedians: "There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook." ~Groucho Marx Jewish Comedy

RT @huffpostcomedy: Every 2040 presidential candidate already unelectable due to Facebook http://t.co/kFYyi5Ki

To all the haters out there who think you're better than me. After I sleep with your girl, I'll let her decide! Thats what I call a win/win/win!

Frog legs! The chicken of the swamp! Good food!

hi

I may not be a flat earther but I am a flat taxer...

How to tell if a chick isnt right for you, ask her to pick something to drink on her way over and she shows up with a non-alcoholic beverage...

You ever read a 400 page book and pages 390 to 392 change everything and after 393 all the pages are blank? Thanks a lot!

I heard there's this one chick that when she swipes your debit card with her phone app ur bank statement says "Go get tested". Buyer Beware.

This chick ran my debit card and my bank statement says I paid for "happiness" I asked for a refund...

I'm glad more women are getting credit card reader apps for their smartphones. Now I get to just skip dinner and go straight to their place...

You know you're young when you refer to myspace as old

After the hologram tupac performance every mega church is now placing order's for hologram Jesus's to preach every sermon... payyourtithes

Whateverst thou postedth on facebook and twitter so shall it be postedth in Heaven... newBIBLEversus

In the newest version of the bible the book of life has been replaced by an app and God will review your social network updates...

A barrel of monkeys is only fun when you're not in the barrel with the scared monkeys you've tortured by putting in a barrel...

I'm pissed at J-Lo for introducing me to the word goosies.. a meme the world could do without, much like her music, and movies, and judging...

Girls just wanna have FUN! Unless you're a pro athlete or celeb, then they just wanna have funds...

RT @48tweetsofpower: Never appear perfect.

Somebody farted in the training class at work today, I hate work related farts... we're all grown excuse yourself out of the room!!! It's a call center, not surgery damn it!

I'm going to drop a line of fashion tight's this summer with my hand print over the buttocks, it's be branded "What I got 4 yo mama!"

I really need to stop tweeting to celebs like I'm famous... I wonder why they keep tweeting me back lol...

Looks like I'll be getting to do some comedy shows in Da ATL & Da N.O. soon. Don't hate on my rise, cause you already loved my fall!!!

You can always find me at a high school looking for the single mom's dropping off the team's stars... Helloooo draft pick momma!

I try to date multiple women with athletic kids, they go pro and I'm the one who wins! Date with your head, not just your 3rd leg!

I tell a chick as soon as her biological clock is up I'll be all over her! Brothers you can have the babies, I just want your ladies!

I don't date chicks under 21 (u cant buy me liquor) and I avoid 25 to 35 (emotionally needy and always trying to have dozens of babies)... but 21 to 24 and 35 + are just right! Ya'll just wanna have fun! Who wants to go shoot pool!

When I take what you just said and turn it into yet another convo about me it's just my way of saying I heard you and thanks, I wanted to talk about myself and just needed another topic...

Ever woke up from a really good nap and realized you were still at work...

ImDone nite-nite

I heard hologram tupac got arrested for molesting an iphone... there wasn't an app for that...

the internet is so cool... my mom will probably ask me if I saw hologram tupac two days from now when it makes to local news in bama lol!

I just got a text from hologram tupac telling me to stop it, he's the ghost in the shell...

I heard hologram tupac is going on Oprah... and is about to sign a 10 album deal

I heard hologram tupac was shooting dice backstage and caught internet VD by visiting some porn site without antivirus software...

I can see some chick right now saying hologram tupac forced himself on her backstage, she got pregnant, and needs holochild support after he serves his prison sentence on a thumb drive

I wonder how long until someone tries to shoot hologram tupac and it catches a case...

I love it when someone says I love the way you walk with such style and I tell them I have a limp because of a broken leg... built in pimp stroll lol!

I have but one redeeming feature... I OWN all of my flaws so well I make them look awesome!

I have but one answer to all of anyone's demographic questions: I'm a space monkey the greatest of all the apes!

When I take what you just said and turn it into yet another convo about me it's just my way of saying I heard you and thanks, I wanted to talk about myself and just needed another topic...

Never let your side chick park her car in your space... Side chicks notice these things... Like giving her some of the good liquor...

Baby if I cut on the light while we're screwing it's not you, I just sobered up and I'm looking for a way out and my clothes... plus the condom... got to double check it's on right! I need a side chick upgrade :-( lol

Everybody check out @Youngbloodogrcp my boi killa with these beats! http://ping.fm/upFGI

I think the hardest part about being a black guy in comedy is when do you finally put on the dress. The timing has to be just right.......... to early and it's just weird, to late and you need intervention...

Just went on an entire new tangent on my B movie... shooting some new footage to go with what I already had! This is going to be bananas!

I haven't cursed anyone out in almost a month... Something's not right... Hey you, say something stupid!

Tennessee's Anti-Science Bill Becomes Law - http://ow.ly/adZMz via @trendspottr

Whats going on today! Whats the biz gulf coast?

Mobile AL whats a decent used tire place I can go to?

twitter really messes me up because usually most of my thoughts are longer than a sentence... except that one @iamaward, and that one, and..

I've found I'm best at my job when I have horrible headaches or hungover. I dont do my best work, but I figure I'm feeling just like my boss and my customers ... we get along a lot better that way

Only in America is everyone so caught up in Obama black this or white that... for most of the world's inhabitants he just looks like the guy from down the street...

Remember eating different color candies when you where a kid & going up to your friends saying look my tongue is BLUE! As if it was amazing!

I have the sudden urge for big ol cold glass of super sweet koolaid... red koolaid... OH YEAH!!!

I feel weird sometimes and then I notice all of you are still here... and it makes me feel worse...

You ever get that weird feeling when you're trying to give someone your facebook or twitter address and they insist on exchanging phone #'s... like WTH does this person actually plan on calling me? WTF! I don't even know them!!!... maybe it's just me...

I told this chick I was taking her to a buffet and walked over to a bush and started picking berries... smooth yeah... lol

For their own protection every male pro athlete should be required to deposit 5 kids worth of kid material in the sperm bank when they sign with their first pro contract and get vasectomies.

I'm a sales machine baby baby!

The Get cha mind right open mic is packed!!! Mobile AL Georgia ME GAME in the house!

GAME IS ON THE MIC!!! You better ask somebody!

The Get cha mind right open mic is packed!!! Mobile AL Georgia ME GAME in the house!

Mobile AL you missing out on the Get cha mind right open mic! Georgia me is in town!!! And me lol!

this one chick said that was bitter, i told her she doesn't always have to swallow.................. her liquor without a chaser...

the world needs a sport specifically for steroid users. Or like the NFLS national football league of steroid users, NBA, MLB track etc

Looking to buy a used FEMA trailer...

I think I'm about to buy a tent... A nice tent, one I can stand up in, and go camping...

Is it me or do these Jesus movies really focus on his smart alek responses... I'm sitting here like man Jesus really had some stones!

before the movie inception when I had a dream in a dream etc it was cool, now it just seems lame... thanks a lot hollywood!

RT @jewishcomedians: "Romantic love is mental illness. But a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality & that's the point of it." ~Fran Lebowitz

I always say, I'm not afraid of the day robots take over the world... by then I'd be a cyborg...

Thinking about getting some star trek tattoos... It'd be so gangsta to have the Enterprise across my chest!

Had some setbacks with the movie... That and I want you to anticipate it! Coming soon!

Birmingham whats up! Just passing through! Ya'll always got some work going on with I-65 LOL!

I still remember the good old days when you and your friends could take road trips and drive separate cars. Hell for $4 folks pickin up hitchikers again lol.

Whoever wins the 640 million... Invest in ya boi! Alabama needs a lotto! Until then I wish you all good luck!

I loving listening to an american go on and on about USA, politics, race relations, economy, etc... and saying you do know there are other countries don't you? Lots of them...

You told on yourself then you told on me, you mightve heard of me but U aint never bought no byrds from me!

I'm not really a jerk. I've just been practicing for a really really really long time and then I met you and thought HEY let's try this out!

I don't have the patience for depression... It requires to much thinking and not enough action... Let's party!!!

Even though it's common these days, everyone can't even get one chick, so if you got it like that to have two, three... I ain't hatin playa! So even if you're a side chick at least you can feel better knowing that your guy's above average in something...

Ladies! My stock is rising! I'm officially no longer "unemployed" I'll be dating material by the next fiscal quarter... For those of you who still have my application on file please update your records... If it has been longer than 6 months since I submitted my resume... fuck you...

If God's a woman, she sure hates women... Unless men are devils and all you chicks are in hell... Okay that was dumb...

Im not afraid of some fool popping me for something I say or do. Im afraid of not giving this fool good enough reason to do it! beyourself Don't let ignorance win!

I'm not one to just sit back and say what people would like to hear, all medicines aren't sweet. Open wide!!! I have something for everyone! Especially myself lol!

If black folks would vote as much as they protest, they'd need fewer protests. Politics (rights, laws, economics, education, etc) is local!

tebow is the antichrist-ian ponder....

Breaking news: Due to it's stock value Apple has been allowed to trademark the letter "i" its use can only be allowed for company purposes.

This just in! Apple has patented "the patent process" and is claiming all of humanity's ideas. Lawsuits will be coming soon they say.

Hate sinks while love rises...

I for one do not believe in evolution, that's down right insulting to nature. Humanity obviously fell from the sky in giant alien turds.

I would cry pee from laughing if madden 2013 coached the saints to the super bowl!

Madden 2013 for saints interim coach!

Forget parcells! The saints should let the computer from madden 2013 be the head coach callin the plays!

Am I the only one who steers clear of cute chicks with ugly kids? Something ain't right!

I want to thank everyone who has shown me mad love over these last few months. Even if you refuse, I will return the favor! It's magic time!

When you can wake up in the morning smiling just because you're you. Then every day is a good day!

I think I'm going to start calling myself the black Tiger Woods!

Congrats to @TigerWoods on his victory. More proof that just because nearly everyone turns on you, it doesn't mean you have to stop winning!

Why does this lady in front of me in the grocery store line have 3 ebt cards! Ballin!!!

At weddings it's no longer proper to exchange vows, you now exchange facebook/twitter passwords... until unfriended do you part...

Going outside to blow bubbles... it's a beautiful day...

If you're not laughing with me, laughing at me will do just fine. I'm doing just fine regardless... lol

Acid rain is just the riches idea of providing the poor free vinegar or bleach... depending on how the wind blows, well that was before Apple patented water...

at the DMV the lady asked if I wanted to be an organ donor; I replied I wouldn't do those people wrong like that...

When I was five years old my parents had to explain to me that I was a black person even though I wasn't the color black... I didn't get it

When I was five years old swag was a tank top, shorts to mid thigh, gyms socks to my knees and scooby-doo underoos couldnttellmenuthin!

When I was five years old I learned that I was the only person who thought it was cool to eat ants...

When I was five years old I learned the big kid in the bathroom with a cup a lemonade is lying, my friend learned to late...

When I was five years old I learned do not sit next to the kid in class who still craps their pants...

I used to write girls I liked poems and share those poems with them, until I realized that made me that weird guy...

When I was five years old I learned that when adults say they really don't need your help with a hot chainsaw, they mean it... Ouch...

When I was five years old I learned that running around outside naked screaming I'm naked at my neighbors was not appropriate behavior...

When I was five yrs old I learned even though I was brown and I had bucked teeth, that I was not a beaver nor any other rodent :-(

The new world order isn't so bad, at least they gave us popeyes chicken!

Shout out to all the women on birth control because it's what they want to do! Live your life baby! dontcountonhim

Sometimes I wonder if mad max is in the same future as waterworld... Mel meet Kevin! Sequel anyone?

So who has tried the dorito taco?

So all the Republican canidates have become prop comics? Except the deadpan one... LoL ETCH A SKETCH

First pool party of the year is on me! The end of my street always floods! MobileAL

Apparently I dont need glasses just some telescopes and some tape and I'll be fine!

Dude! This dude Randy jackson has his own line of glasses for dudes! Wow dude, dont be hatin dude...

I haven't made fun of a mouth-breather in a while. I feel like a good guy... Of course I haven't been getting out much lately lol!

I don't mean to offend anyone but if you want justice, remember what we did for rodney king... that sends a more direct message...

I have a horrible problem, when I see a chick's pic online I automatically start wondering what they smell like. Cause some chicks stank.

Don't send me a death threat, just a huge box of free McDonalds food vouchers...

Being a white/black/brown/yellow/red/green/orange supremist is like jackin off without lube... you know it's not a good idea but you do it anyway don't you. You racist pervert.

Okay LAL still not starting Sessions? WTH?

So far Randy Jackson has only said 'dude' 20x's 2nite but if he hits 50 he might have a hit out on him by keanu reeves... americanidol

Stankin Ear Funk Public Service Announcement http://ow.ly/9Ngvk

Key & Peele lol!

The Rape Fantasy Sucks! : Alfred Explains http://ow.ly/9MyqF

I'm sick and tired of hearing about reparations, black folks got reparations, we just spent it on the niggas and we still waiting on them to pay us back...

When I was a kid all i ever wanted in life was to be one of those guys in the barber shop with stories to tell, a funny one... not one of you lames we talk about when you leave... Victory is mine!

Random thought: Why was marcus garvey the last nigga to think of buying his own ship? Not a yacht, speed boat, a bass boat, or a floatee... A real live ocean faring vessel... oh wait, he wasn't a nigga, my bad

I want to thank internet shorthand for allowing me to curse so efficiently... WTF WTH MFN LMAO... ETC

Game Change (TV 2012)... Why again does Palin have a movie? A reality based movie that's not a comedy?!?!? Oh I missed it, it's a tragic comedy.

When I go all day without a text or phone call it reminds me of how awesome I am! YES! Day two lets do this!

Rick Santoruim wants to be pope not president... He believes we can tithe the economy back and do away with taxes, schools, and hospitals...

Breaking News: The Denver Broncos just traded Tim Tebow for Barack Obama...

Breaking News: The Denver Broncos just trade Tim Tebow for Barack Obama...

When you get the the point in which you think no one else is ever right, it means you're the one who's always wrong.

I'm voting for Obama in 2012 for bringing light skinned back in style. In other news skin lighteners are on sale 2 for 1 for all of 2012!

8 peice for 5.99 at Popeyes! Chickens will go extinct!

I'm considering renaming this video. Any suggestions? .... The Rape Fantasy Sucks! : Alfred Explains http://ow.ly/9KUlg

Don't want to be up right now but started a quick edit on my latest video and couldn't stop... movie still on the way! But for those of you who watch I hope you enjoy, it's done and will be shared later... uploading and going to bed lol!

I always find it amazing that some people will try to convert you to their religion over the internet. Are you serious?!?!? Follow the way or spend eternity locked out of your account... lol

All this talk about chicken is making me hungry for some of this shrimp...

Ladies that $3,000 diamond necklace or $3,000 worth of Popeye's? That's like 100 visits for a small family! Eat for a year!

Churches and Steel Reserve or your local chicken spot and Budweiser?

Who wants to go see the hunger games with me?

Baby a lifetime with me is like an unlimited free pass to KFC buffet! But you have to play spades, love sports, shoot pool, and drink beer. Or not ever complain that I do... Go ahead, get the big piece of chicken, there's always more on the way!

Matt Barnes's head is in the game now that he doesn't have Luke Walton sitting next to him and telling him how lucky they are to have these courtside seats.

Epiphany! All my life I've considered myself smarter than I was talented... until now, why choose when you've been blessed with both!

This guy just walked up to me and offered to change my oil right here in the grocery store parking lot for $5. Wow!

I just saw a chick so thick I swore she was hiding a toddler behind one of her thighs... She wasnt lol!

The same people who believe in the all powerful government conspiracy theories believe the wizard kalhemnutnut controls the desert sands...

Everyone has feelings, some control theirs and others are controled by them. Each party thinks they're right. I just want to party...

Another beautiful day in paradise! I wish these fools would stop killing each other!

When the puzzle finds out that I know all the pieces this game is over!

That's all folks! (cue the looney tunes music!)

Never, never, never give up your POWER!

PSA: Aspiring rappers if your life is like your cd and it's 99% drugs, killing, and strip clubs your life is actually pretty pathetic and you're an idiot... real talk you may be retarded and not in the way we should have compassion for you... expand your mind

I bought my last rap album back in 1999, I may be black but I don't listen to crap... Give me music, not album fillers of wanna be singles that didn't make it...

Outside of the whiplash I incurred I love being around so many beautiful women at one time... support your local open mics!

I'd be heartless if it wasnt for the fact that I'm not... smh

I ran into someone tonight that said I be cracking them up with my updates outside of my inner circle... Thank you! My work here is done!

Work hard, ride clean, and let the hataz pick up the tab!

Get cha mind right open mic making me wish I was on a date 2nite! Yeah i'd be gettin sum 2nite! The definition of DOPE!

Shout out to petey mac & govna doing a comedy show in ocean springs MS tonight! Kill em!

Award the poet in the building! Yeah I still got poems inbetween these jokes lol!

Get cha mind right open mic is about to start! Get your butts down here! What will I do tonight?!?!? LoL

I still cannot tell if the negro tribe of the 2 corners is friendly or not, If only I could translate their favorite phrase to yell out 'pussyassniggas'

the negro tribe of the 2 corners appears to be engaged in a welcome ceremony or aggressive terittorial behavior towards the new clan in my village

I used to think I was deep then I realized there is more sky above than ground below... Now I'm fly!

If I have anything in common with Homer Simpson it's that I'm FUN DAD!

I may not real have any game but I sure can control the chicas on my TV screen... mute button lol and bring a friend!

I'm the coolest guy you'll ever know that hates your guts...

Dont forget gulf coast Get cha mind right open mic is now weekly! @ the purple cafe 2morrow!

Ever since I can remember I been poppin my collar!

$250k of playground equipment on a acre of land, where are the kids playing? In a mud hole...

Just saw a kid get a full on facial trying to push another kid on the swing... All dads present said BOOOOM and lol... Ok it was just me sayin boom

The wind in your face, the speed, the trill of pushing it to the edge and back again.... A kid on a swing...

Why is this kidless dude at the playground working out... Weird.... He must be looking for the family package or he's warmin up to snatch a kid & run...

The playground is not the place to pick up chicks unless you want the family value package...

Just found out I'm a descendant of african kings! Also Kony is my cousin...

The #1 social problem with the world is the idea that not only is royalty still tolerated, but that it's still idolized... WTH?

I'm going to vote today, not just for the civil right movement, the civil war, the revolutionary war, but mostly for the Magna Carta. Down with the King!

One day I'll learn to dream again... When I remember how to fly...

There's nothing like the company of a beautiful wonderful woman to make you feel like you've done something with your life... she'll be your gay coworker with a hot girlfriend who's not interested in you and besides you're married... lol you suck dude

The AWard comedy show is going down soon real soon, I need all hot supadupa fine ultradiva powerupsexy is your beastmode dymepeice chicks to raise your hands so I can give you free tickets, front row seats, and a bottle of wine... you do have to take picture with me at the show to make me look good!

If there's one thing I've learned in this world; any message, meeting, school, party, job, or essentially any moment of existence without hot chicks is not worth it...

I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone lately, I've been meaning to get to you sooner...

When I told my side chick I was thinking of getting a main chick she got mad! What I say?!?!?

I'm done... so done... LEAVE ME ALONE!

someone tell the knicks the "we all win" as long as we all participate model isn't for pro sports unless you're tebow

the knicks play like they want to make sure everyone gets involved instead of get the win lol, "we all win" stops after preschool

The air jordan condom would be the end of niggas as we know it!

Being broke dont make hope float... It leaves it beached... Free willy!

I don't know if the Republicans are fielding presidential candidates or doing a touring comedy show. I haven't seen any tickets for sell yet maybe this is just the promotion tour... I might be interested in a few good laughs, I enjoyed the Democrats self help tour of 2008... IJS

I feel sorry for those women who accused herman cain, no book deal, they played their hand to early & people R like you did what!?!?!

Out of fustration the republican party has selected me as their presidential canidate... I have approved this status...

Ain't nuthin but a G thang baby!

I've been taking this latest project waaay to serious... time to finish, showcase and move on...

Trust me... You'll save the world when you save yourself...

85% done ..... 15% to go

Rendering video is like the weird convo the next day when you decide maybe the one night stand was enough...

My twitter bots keep trying to get me a job... I wish they were real...

Time to shift into the night gear!

I need a trade...

Every political office should pay minimum wage, require living in public housing, required public school for their children, and a food stamp card if they complain... you'd see some "change then"

When you reach a fork in the road sometimes you have to ask yourself. WTF am I on this road for? N get off the beaten path.

it's going to get crazy from here on out... this is your last warning to un-friend or de-follow me or whatever if you take things to serious... this page is for entertainment purposes only... that's right, you amuse me!

Define Alfred: On paper, pathetic. In person, awesome. So so awesome!

Just because I can point out your flaws doesnt mean I hate you, it just means I know who you are...

I wanna say something positive before I end this round... Women you're only as beautiful as you think you are!

I'm tired of being called a white guy trapped in a black guy's body... It should be clear to all that I'm Japanese...

If you met her family and they say in earnest "what are you doing with my daughter?"... run, apparently there's something you should know and probably don't want to find out

turn to your neighbor and tell em "Can I get a retweet!"

The movie's about 85% done...

This chick told me I must like ugly women, I said " What are those? I've never met one..."

thinking about having a contest/promotion in which the winner gets an ipad3... I think that'd be nice...

Enough is enough, back to working on this movie...

If I can't blame you for my problems, why are we friends?

In macdonalds wishing they sold actual food... I'm hungry...

Even when you can't do your best, do yourself!

Get cha mind right open mic!!!

Tonight I officially became a comic!

Best part about being an adult, you can have candy without it ruining your appetite!

"There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt."

WTH ya'll got going on? Me thinks Me gone do some work...

Just had a talk with my pops... it's always good to speak to someone who's not going to mince words...

Ist time ever watching americanidol WTF up with randy and saying 'dude' that dude said dude 50x's in the show

Random TMI FYI ... my personal record for the most mosquito bites at once is >= 100 collected over a couple days of july 1992... ouch, I must've looked like a buffet

What it do pimpin?

News Flash! I can now afford ad space on Limbaughs show!!!!! Time to push my new ED product! Blue Balls Gel 3000!

Monkeys with guns... any questions?

Remember closed mouths don't get fed!

She said she broke up with me because I'm a tool. I promptly corrected her, I'm THE tool...

Lesson to learn from Limbaugh anytime you back down from your statements you go from hunter to hunted... you don't have a position of power because of your opposition but because of your followers... what he should have done was release a "you're a slut" rap single on youtube, announced a new book, and went on SNL

We all see the same problems, but we all have different answers however the worse problem is when your solution to proving me wrong is to oppress or kill me instead of just showing me HOW or WHY you're right... That's usually done when you can't and by psychopaths

Who wants to join Team Space Monkeys? Holla at me!

Hey who wants to go sell drugs? Let's get rich! Let's get Pfizer money!

Why the hell are all these NFL players/teams/coaches/ snitching?!?!? Ok you make $5,000,000 a year but if you get a big hit I give you $500 spending money to go kick it after the game... big deal, they're always trying to knock a mofo out, that's their job... if it gets to dirty they already have rules for that...

My favorite movie is fight club > eharmony.com = match.com > christianmingle.com because you can just take your ass to church

I made cupcakes! No, you can't have any, they're magic cupcakes...

I often find myself second guessing my words because It's hard to judge just how much of a chump the person I'm speaking to is... they might be sensitive lmao...

Dare to dare to dare...

the space monkeys are coming..

MobileAL walmart robbery... That was not cool!

I'm bubbles gangsta cousin...

the start of humanity was when one monkey figured out he could kill another monkey with a stick and it triggered an arms race..

Going to sleep... If the world ends before I wake I will find peace in the knowledge that you're not an astronaut either...

time to work some magic!

as we enter the 3rd month of 2012 I've noticed a drop off in 'end of the world' chatter... believing in your own imminent doom actually feels pretty dumb huh? just don't drink the koolaid okay...

never be so focused on your individual steps that you fail to see that you're walking through paradise...

Tiger's back... To think I stopped following the tourney after he barely made the cut and turns out he almost won the damn thing... The W's will return soon...

lucky people generate good fortune via four basic principles. They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

The oddest thing I ever said during sex was "Could you put that phone down?"

Everything that ever was, is and will be is all in your mind... You can thank me for the secret to life later...

The New Orleans Pirates...

Everyday my bank sends me a text reminding me of how much money I don't have... It's like I'm married... lol

People who blame Lebron for not closing are turning me into a Lebron fan... I love siding against the haters

For black history month I toned down my jerkness... never again, the world's but a stage and I'm just reciting my lines, "You're stupid"

I'm not boycotting Rush Limbaugh, I need him around long enough to insult me one day...

Attention Artists I need some music for a video I'm working on... think "afroman", "devin da dude"... inbox me for details... this is an "exposure thing"

Follow @iamaward on twitter Baby Baby!

Is there a newer term that todays youngsters are calling black people that's quite offensive?

Its easy to keep track of ur kid on the playground when he's the only one running screaming i'm a pirate!!!

get $!

Go Diego Go!

success is a way of life, not an event...

If we never make eye contact i'm probably not listening... Sorry...

Churches chicken in Mobile, where its always made to order and you'll be in the drive thru 20 min per car...

KFC should be ashamed of themselves for these high prices! (black guy complaining about fried chicken prices, get ur laugh in-but its true!)

Earth = Overrated

People overlook that the battles between good and evil are only won by the great...

Next level ish!!! Back off me!

Mardi gras is over! So we have to go back to normal? Naaawh!!!

RT @BubbsHarris: Turd Tuesday! These Guys are the Shit! @BillFowlerJokes @comedycrackers @WTF_Xhuk @IamAWard @MMMoseley @joepettis @RustyEye @mattwardcomedy

At the prichard parade you can yell throw me some gin! Who needs beads?!?!?

At the prichard parade where I just caught a dime and two philly's! Mardi Gras!!!

At the Prichard parade where the BMW is the #1 means of transportation! 'Body Made Wrong'

At the Prichard parade lol! They throwing EBT CARDS!!! ... With positive balances! Its going to be a riot!

The job market is so bad I'm putting down I know 3-4 langauges on job apps that ask... If hired, learn fast lol!

Wish me well. Just had a job assessment... Pray, pray, pray!!! Hey Jesus remember when I had your back in 05? I'm just saying homie!

Happy Valentines Day People! ... Whew I did it, can I have my dignity back? Oh, no? oh well... Can I cash this check? YEAH!

VDay has me wondering where is the woman for me, I've gone thru the races etc. The only thing left is rich to try out. A beautiful rich women, inbox me please...

RT @breakingnews: US regulators OK Google's $12.5b bid for Motorola, hours after EU clearance - @AP

Screw U guys, I'm going home...

Don't let your stankin' behind the ear funk ruin your barber's day... PSA from Alfred Ward...

The greatest hindrance to success is advice... Think about it... Good, now think some more...

People STILL using bombs? @thedailybeast Bombers Target Israeli Embassies Explosion in India, Georgia bomb defused. http://thebea.st/y52VDk

I think niggas R shooting in the hood over nikki's performance...

The USA has just declared a new war, the war on death. Death has been claiming the lives of billions with it's terroristic activities!

Death has been declared a disease and has been found to be the leading cause of being deceased. The $50 million CDC study concluded.

I should've made a movie for valentines day!

This just in: netflix is ruining the bootleg dvd industry! As profit margins decrease, quality is falling. Bootleggers have resorted to selling prepaid adult website cards.

XM Radio Laugh USA! Bill Cosby lol!

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE MARTIN LUTHER KING!!! Stop saying that!

I refuse to drink rain water because I know there might be a bird flying round up there pissin

Bout to step my game up...

I need some heroes, I'm just rogue over here!

Opps! Just send a msg to dozens of people by mistake lol oh well, they to need to know about the horrors of behind the ear funk...

My work here is done... Until we meet again...

Stankin Ear Funk Public Service Announcement http://ow.ly/91nsQ

On 11/17/2012 Alabama A&M will Play Auburn in the game the week before the Iron Bowl! I'm so there!!! Go Dawgs!

GET CHA MIGHT RIGHT OPEN MIC, MOBILE AL @huggybeardapoet http://ow.ly/8YokY

My work here is done...

Kodak ditches digital camera business - http://ow.ly/8YoBK via @trendspottr

I know I've only put out one video in the last month but thats because I'm going all in on bringing you something special... soon you'll have a lol on me!!! Thanks for watching!

Happy Birthday to my son Orion Ayaan Ward! Four years old today!!!

I need to go get my CDL!

Good morning alabama, georgia, florida, tennessee, mississippi, louisiana!... And you other states and countries...!

I respect kobe more and more every year... his team may no longer be 'the best' but he still continues to just $h!t on the haters... take things personal! excellence, revenge, and pride are great motivators...

Follow @noiranwar noiranwar
http://ping.fm/MB2Nm

Can't our armed services in the middle east just go on strike. come home guys there's duty honor and then theres common sense noiranwar

This just in! Get rid of all governments, businesses, education, technology and people will have immortal youth and live in world peace!

watching a documentary on the evils of the world will convince you that old people don't die because they're old lol it's the government and the corporations making them sick! Don't they know we were immortal before the 1800's LMAO!

I think I'm just going to jump on this New World Order bandwagon while the getting is good! nwo

A must read for SMB! RT @b2community: 3 Simple Strategies to Tame Your Video Content Budget http://goo.gl/fb/iFzWu

God why does this dog fart every time she's sitting in my lap!?!? ripe...

Sports are psychological anti-insurgent mechanisms ... if you don't care about the Super Bowl you're a borderline terrorist...

it seems everyone has an opinion but no one wants to give an answer

Fortune favors the bold!

My latest standup was my best so far and I had an awesome time: P.S. I have low expectations funnyashell

The biggest difference between most men & women in thinking about their looks is that a man can find one redeeming feature about himself good enough to overlook everything else and a women will look at herself and find one bad feature powerful enough to overshadow everything else...

Watching Shinobi on hulu!

Cause I look like Jesus!

I think i've added 100+ twitter followers this week, cool! I wonder how many are bots vs actual people? 90? 80? it's cool. follow @iamaward

Join me today for the newest episode of "Video Blog of a Bitter Black Man... " bitter

That anonymous group going hard lol! Hacked ya boyyyy! Hilarious stuff! Step your game up governments!

Everything in Mobile just went grand. Headed to P'Cola...

I'm out. got some things offline to do today shooting a series of shorts. news at 11. subscribe to my channel www.youtube.com/awardcomedy

All things come to an end... So put your favorite song on repeat!

About to turn this faith walk up to the highest level, feet don't fail me now!

turns out I'm starting to think to much on stage and to little in life... ACTION!

I'm famous! Randomly ran into a guy on the street last night who had seen my videos I probably should have asked him if he enjoyed them but I was in the moment lol

Whenever I feel a bit down I always think "What? You're going to pick now to stop being a vain, egotistical, narcissistic, prideful, jerk?" That always uplifts my spirit, I'm no quitter! Gonna see this through to it's awesome end! iloveattentionidontdeserve

chrome is really becoming the slowest browser Ive ever used. freezes, crashes, refreshes super slow google better get it right or I'm gone

Ever wonder why you think your boss is an idiot? They're an idiot!

In talks to be part of a major comedy show on the gulf coast! Hopefully I can go first or host. Everyone else is going to be really good!

@iamaward <----- follow me!

Please excuse me, while I take over the world SON!

Science decodes 'internal voices' - http://ow.ly/8PwCu via @trendspottr

Intelligence Study Links Low I.Q To Prejudice, Racism, Conservatism - http://ow.ly/8Pwyo via @trendspottr

Planned Parenthood says Komen decision causes donation spike - http://ow.ly/8PwuV via @trendspottr

Breakthrough: The first sound recordings based on reading people's... - http://ow.ly/8PdY3 via @trendspottr

I don't have time to sleep, I'm trying to catch up to my day dreams while running from my nightmares...

RT @powerpoole: POTUS Launches ‘African-Americans For Obama’ Campaign http://dlvr.it/18fklr blck

Wake Up! : A short film by Alfred Ward http://ow.ly/8PboM

Submissions Open for AfroSF: An Anthology of African Science Fiction... - http://ow.ly/8Pb2O via @trendspottr

Zuckerberg's Facebook stake is worth at least $16 billion - http://ow.ly/8P2kd via @trendspottr

Wake Up! : A short film by Alfred Ward http://ow.ly/8P1MI

I'm the one person I wish that I knew better...

the apps are cool but I really think I'm about to stop using google's chrome browser...

I'm in desperate need of more opportunities to perform on stage... I see why some areas have a talent drain & others are talent magnets

I always get people who say why are you selling your merchandise for $1, $2, $5 etc when you should or could be charging $15 or $20... I just smile because the same people who say that to me have NEVER bought anything from me, at least the person who paid $5 did... Who do you think I'm listening to?

In honor of black history month I'm going to be selling all of my black stuff...

So amazon? Deny my video digital distribution, huh? It is I who shall have the last laugh!!! I swear it!

I will not make mountains of molehills or obstacles of ant beds instead I will viciously stomp them and pour poison on them when I'm done!

71 degrees on the gulf coast feelin like 85!!! Muggy!

If I'm ever an embarrassment please apologize to the offended person for me, I'm also to much of a realist to feel insecure.

Starting the day with russell simmons show Ruckus on the DVR lmao!

Question: Instead of always trying to figure out the wording and intent of the constitution why don't we just translate it into current terms every 100 years or so... keep the original around of course... I'm just saying if they sit there and do so on a case by case basis can't they just do the whole thing? It's not that long...

Life is like a basketball game with the movement, hustle, and strategy... so why are you on the court playing freeze tag? SMH...

People ask me why do I aim so high and dream so big... I answer you don't choose your dreams, they choose you...

Since the first time I ever stepped onto the stage I've been able to see myself with a packed house of 2,200 there to see my show vision

How're you going to sit there and even try to justify to me not finishing what YOU started out to do. Nobody said life would be easy. Make some choices and Get er done!

The birthers are hard at work in Georgia...LOL ya'll need to go occupyGA

If you find that your goals are never getting accomplished, or you lack passion and desire in them, you need to check to make sure they're your goals in the first place.

est 6.5 million people are either in jail, prison, or on probation in America...

Though it has its problems, My country will kick your country's ass USA USA USA!!! Whats so wrong with that?

Today is "I pity the Fool" Day... Do not turn down the opportunity to call someone a fool! Call it like it is!

"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out." ~ Walter Winchell

I'm so glad ya'll have such high expectations of me... I've already won...

Good morning start this week by getting excited about some things, get pumped, jump up and down, work out and tell life Lets Do This!!!

The reason why successful people are found in groups is because they know how to lead and when to follow!

My life is so awesome that only the word awesome can describe its awesomeness!

who calls women skanks anymore?

Why don't I ever get spam that says like date hot black chicks from Delaware...

I just got a tweet saying I can meet hot Russian chicks for free! Oh happy Day!!! thereisaGod

She said to me that if I was gay that we could be friends, I told her if she wasn't we could be more, but just once or twice for 30 minutes

I would not date me in a lace front wig, a shaper, and some pumps... girl you look like me!!!

If you don't know about Pablo "you need to get your head in the game!... He's all up in your sh!t, all up in it!!!"

If I met the female version of myself I'd be like you're a manly looking woman!!!

Say it loud I'M BROWN AND I'M PROUD!

I hope everyone is having a Terrific Pablo day!

Up in this kitchen cooking some curry mullet roe! Ya know!!!

Why this lady next to me in walmart just let out a monster fart! Mission aborted! The occupation maybe over!!! OMG, hold ur breath everybody!

Instead of always trying to win, which some perceive as arrogance, just strive to never lose which some perceive as confidence...

Success is merely the lack of failure... Make it happen...

I'm makin short term goals, when the weather folds just put away the leathers and put ice on the gold.

I'm on year 11 of a 5 year plan and so far I've made it to year 3... Never quit!

headed to go occupy a walmart near you!

AWard: poet, essayist, novelist, actor, youth motivational speaker, political consultant, Web, Radio, TV personality, comic, Filmmaker, Marketing Consultant listed in the Harvard Business Review... B.S. in Marketing AAMU, MSc Project Management Villanova... Any Questions?

Is it time to step up to the 8GB SD card or better? Bigger things on the horizon people! 2GB just wont do anymore...

Steve Jobs just unveiled iGhost.

The only people who doubt the power of education are the uneducated or those who have interest in exploiting ignorance...

Darn it I missed the state of the union but I now know how to create a solar energy system that feeds into the smart grid earning me $...

state of the union versus on demand video on the latest advances in science and tech? I think I'm going with developing hand held death rays

I haven't watched a state of the union since the 90's but this one has been heavily promoted! I'll catch the highlights online considering I know the state of the union already... next time send me a state of the union tweet... lol

I propose that technology has now allowed for a 4th branch of government to be created, the popular vote. This way the idiocracy of mob rule can destroy not only this country but the world...

I have the best family and friends support system you could ever imagine. Even my ex's... I must be one cool dude...

I'm not arrogant, I just think that anyone who does it better than me is the best because I'm so great...

I don't need an alarm clock... At 7am my east coast bill collectors clock in and call, 8am CST, 9am MST, 10am PST...

Just realized I want to work for comedy central and I've never even applied... WTH?

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." - Mark Twain

Where are my beautiful, intelligent, hard working friends this morning?

Yeah I do stand up. I don't know if I should be considered a comic yet, but I am foolish enough to speak my mind and smart enough to not care what you think about it.

Today is fire somebody from your life day! You know you want to do it... today's the day...

Someone once asked me how to make their business successful I told them fire their employees and hire some harvard grads or ivy league at least

Someone once asked me how to make their business successful I told them fire their employees and hire some havard grads or ivy league at least

This just in! Mel Gibson is going to remake Roots in 3D! www.melgibsonroots3D.com

I'd like to announce that today food stamps, EBT etc are selling for 70 cents to the dollar. Thats $100 EBT for $70 bucks... Thank you...

If you don't close, you're closed.

I don't care what your business is I need to know a few good closers...

OMGG! My DVD will available from amazon as a download or rental in a few days! I feel so professional, coming on the heel's of my first film screening I'm speechless!!!

I have seen the light! Not getting back into the dating pool, apparently it creates relationships!!! will stick with this we just messin around, I'm good at this...

Haters are your best advertisers, they keep up the good work because they keep talking about you... Yes, Thank them... It's called word of mouth advertising...

I went to a counselor once, he told me that I was one of the most clear headed rational people he'd ever met and clearly didn't need counseling, and I told him maybe that's my problem. He agreed, there's a lot of crazies out in the world...

Smart's the new sexy in 2012!

To all the ladies out there with their MBA's you are so beautiful! Yeeeah baby!

I'm not one to brag saying oh I'm so handsome this or that but I will argue you down that I am not ugly no no noooo lol!

I might get back into the dating pool... Have to find a woman with a business degree or else we can't communicate... Communication is so important!

OMG HELL YEEEEAH! THEY LOVE MY FILM!!!!! THANKS TIFF!!!!! THE BIG SCREEN!

I've always understood women who say they want a man with a certain income level if the woman at least matches or exceeds it! Financial intelligence is a must!

Some of your wants are actually needs just for you that's what makes you different, so you need to want to make it happen...

Todays the day!!! Movie time!

I think most of my twitter followers are twitterbots...

You're out on a date and she says you look great where'd you go shopping? The right answer is girl you look fantastic! Dont talk about yourself trustme

One a date you mention your frat & degree's she mentions her love of thugs... Dont pay for dinner... trustme

On a date she says " you know how you people are"... This is not cool fellas trustme

You drive over to pick up your date and she suggests you should take separate cars, guys this means somethings not going right... trustme

You're out on a date and she says "You are sooo smart!" guys this means somethings not going right... trust me...

I is Kind, I is Smart, I is Important...

All my life I've been the hype man for others saying: buy my friend's album its hot, go to this event you'll love it, eat at this or that spot, but shy & begging folks to support my own work... Not 2012 baby! My stuff is hot, you'll love it! Buy it now!

Weird is the new sexy...

So the consensus is in... My latest short video is 'weird', of course I think its brillant lol... It goes public on 1-21!

movie, say it with me, because you doesn't want to... (staccato)

retard, say it with me, he left and came back again because he wasn't late enough the first time... (staccato)

Air conditioner, say it with me, he hired a personal trainer with his inheritance... (staccato)

Heat, say it with me he.eat, because she wont let him have any otherwise... (Staccato)

Tomorrow is the first time something I'm in is going to be showed in a movie theater! I thought I told these fools I'm famous!!!

I had no idea so many of ya'll were early birds! I just havent been to sleep yet! Video editing...

I used to have the Black Ceasar soundtrack! That was music!!!

Nothing like a fresh cut to take that swag from full to max!

Can't be an angry black man without at least 357! Barber shop wisdom!

So obeying traffic laws in Prichard is optional??? I guess so... VROOOM watch out!!!

Intelligence is not a burden but is a tool you use to tend to your wisdom...

Every single moment of my life, every breath I take reminds me of the goals I haven't yet accomplished. I'm quite more than intense, baby...

Ages 12 and 13 found me studying advanced military weaponery. 14 to 16 military history, 17 and 18 political strategy and sociology.

I spent most of my time from ages 9 to 11 drawing up military strategies and studying propaganda techniques.

Since I was a child I have only had one idea "Take over the world."

I cannot wait until the government blatently starts passing out Soma. The reasons are my own...

what's the best free audio recording software?

My next video drops 1/21 this saturday!!! I can hardley wait!!!

Making movies is though!!!