Thinking about getting some star trek tattoos... It'd be so gangsta to have the Enterprise across my chest!

Had some setbacks with the movie... That and I want you to anticipate it! Coming soon!

Birmingham whats up! Just passing through! Ya'll always got some work going on with I-65 LOL!

I still remember the good old days when you and your friends could take road trips and drive separate cars. Hell for $4 folks pickin up hitchikers again lol.

Whoever wins the 640 million... Invest in ya boi! Alabama needs a lotto! Until then I wish you all good luck!

I loving listening to an american go on and on about USA, politics, race relations, economy, etc... and saying you do know there are other countries don't you? Lots of them...

You told on yourself then you told on me, you mightve heard of me but U aint never bought no byrds from me!

I'm not really a jerk. I've just been practicing for a really really really long time and then I met you and thought HEY let's try this out!

I don't have the patience for depression... It requires to much thinking and not enough action... Let's party!!!

Even though it's common these days, everyone can't even get one chick, so if you got it like that to have two, three... I ain't hatin playa! So even if you're a side chick at least you can feel better knowing that your guy's above average in something...

Ladies! My stock is rising! I'm officially no longer "unemployed" I'll be dating material by the next fiscal quarter... For those of you who still have my application on file please update your records... If it has been longer than 6 months since I submitted my resume... fuck you...

If God's a woman, she sure hates women... Unless men are devils and all you chicks are in hell... Okay that was dumb...

Im not afraid of some fool popping me for something I say or do. Im afraid of not giving this fool good enough reason to do it! beyourself Don't let ignorance win!

I'm not one to just sit back and say what people would like to hear, all medicines aren't sweet. Open wide!!! I have something for everyone! Especially myself lol!

If black folks would vote as much as they protest, they'd need fewer protests. Politics (rights, laws, economics, education, etc) is local!

tebow is the antichrist-ian ponder....

Breaking news: Due to it's stock value Apple has been allowed to trademark the letter "i" its use can only be allowed for company purposes.

This just in! Apple has patented "the patent process" and is claiming all of humanity's ideas. Lawsuits will be coming soon they say.

Hate sinks while love rises...

I for one do not believe in evolution, that's down right insulting to nature. Humanity obviously fell from the sky in giant alien turds.

I would cry pee from laughing if madden 2013 coached the saints to the super bowl!

Madden 2013 for saints interim coach!

Forget parcells! The saints should let the computer from madden 2013 be the head coach callin the plays!

Am I the only one who steers clear of cute chicks with ugly kids? Something ain't right!

I want to thank everyone who has shown me mad love over these last few months. Even if you refuse, I will return the favor! It's magic time!

When you can wake up in the morning smiling just because you're you. Then every day is a good day!

I think I'm going to start calling myself the black Tiger Woods!

Congrats to @TigerWoods on his victory. More proof that just because nearly everyone turns on you, it doesn't mean you have to stop winning!

Why does this lady in front of me in the grocery store line have 3 ebt cards! Ballin!!!

At weddings it's no longer proper to exchange vows, you now exchange facebook/twitter passwords... until unfriended do you part...

Going outside to blow bubbles... it's a beautiful day...

If you're not laughing with me, laughing at me will do just fine. I'm doing just fine regardless... lol

Acid rain is just the riches idea of providing the poor free vinegar or bleach... depending on how the wind blows, well that was before Apple patented water...

at the DMV the lady asked if I wanted to be an organ donor; I replied I wouldn't do those people wrong like that...

When I was five years old my parents had to explain to me that I was a black person even though I wasn't the color black... I didn't get it

When I was five years old swag was a tank top, shorts to mid thigh, gyms socks to my knees and scooby-doo underoos couldnttellmenuthin!

When I was five years old I learned that I was the only person who thought it was cool to eat ants...

When I was five years old I learned the big kid in the bathroom with a cup a lemonade is lying, my friend learned to late...

When I was five years old I learned do not sit next to the kid in class who still craps their pants...

I used to write girls I liked poems and share those poems with them, until I realized that made me that weird guy...

When I was five years old I learned that when adults say they really don't need your help with a hot chainsaw, they mean it... Ouch...

When I was five years old I learned that running around outside naked screaming I'm naked at my neighbors was not appropriate behavior...

When I was five yrs old I learned even though I was brown and I had bucked teeth, that I was not a beaver nor any other rodent :-(

The new world order isn't so bad, at least they gave us popeyes chicken!

Shout out to all the women on birth control because it's what they want to do! Live your life baby! dontcountonhim

Sometimes I wonder if mad max is in the same future as waterworld... Mel meet Kevin! Sequel anyone?

So who has tried the dorito taco?

So all the Republican canidates have become prop comics? Except the deadpan one... LoL ETCH A SKETCH

First pool party of the year is on me! The end of my street always floods! MobileAL

Apparently I dont need glasses just some telescopes and some tape and I'll be fine!

Dude! This dude Randy jackson has his own line of glasses for dudes! Wow dude, dont be hatin dude...

I haven't made fun of a mouth-breather in a while. I feel like a good guy... Of course I haven't been getting out much lately lol!

I don't mean to offend anyone but if you want justice, remember what we did for rodney king... that sends a more direct message...

I have a horrible problem, when I see a chick's pic online I automatically start wondering what they smell like. Cause some chicks stank.

Don't send me a death threat, just a huge box of free McDonalds food vouchers...

Being a white/black/brown/yellow/red/green/orange supremist is like jackin off without lube... you know it's not a good idea but you do it anyway don't you. You racist pervert.

Okay LAL still not starting Sessions? WTH?

So far Randy Jackson has only said 'dude' 20x's 2nite but if he hits 50 he might have a hit out on him by keanu reeves... americanidol

Stankin Ear Funk Public Service Announcement http://ow.ly/9Ngvk

Key & Peele lol!

The Rape Fantasy Sucks! : Alfred Explains http://ow.ly/9MyqF

I'm sick and tired of hearing about reparations, black folks got reparations, we just spent it on the niggas and we still waiting on them to pay us back...

When I was a kid all i ever wanted in life was to be one of those guys in the barber shop with stories to tell, a funny one... not one of you lames we talk about when you leave... Victory is mine!

Random thought: Why was marcus garvey the last nigga to think of buying his own ship? Not a yacht, speed boat, a bass boat, or a floatee... A real live ocean faring vessel... oh wait, he wasn't a nigga, my bad

I want to thank internet shorthand for allowing me to curse so efficiently... WTF WTH MFN LMAO... ETC

Game Change (TV 2012)... Why again does Palin have a movie? A reality based movie that's not a comedy?!?!? Oh I missed it, it's a tragic comedy.

When I go all day without a text or phone call it reminds me of how awesome I am! YES! Day two lets do this!

Rick Santoruim wants to be pope not president... He believes we can tithe the economy back and do away with taxes, schools, and hospitals...

Breaking News: The Denver Broncos just traded Tim Tebow for Barack Obama...

Breaking News: The Denver Broncos just trade Tim Tebow for Barack Obama...

When you get the the point in which you think no one else is ever right, it means you're the one who's always wrong.

I'm voting for Obama in 2012 for bringing light skinned back in style. In other news skin lighteners are on sale 2 for 1 for all of 2012!

8 peice for 5.99 at Popeyes! Chickens will go extinct!

I'm considering renaming this video. Any suggestions? .... The Rape Fantasy Sucks! : Alfred Explains http://ow.ly/9KUlg

Don't want to be up right now but started a quick edit on my latest video and couldn't stop... movie still on the way! But for those of you who watch I hope you enjoy, it's done and will be shared later... uploading and going to bed lol!

I always find it amazing that some people will try to convert you to their religion over the internet. Are you serious?!?!? Follow the way or spend eternity locked out of your account... lol

All this talk about chicken is making me hungry for some of this shrimp...

Ladies that $3,000 diamond necklace or $3,000 worth of Popeye's? That's like 100 visits for a small family! Eat for a year!

Churches and Steel Reserve or your local chicken spot and Budweiser?

Who wants to go see the hunger games with me?

Baby a lifetime with me is like an unlimited free pass to KFC buffet! But you have to play spades, love sports, shoot pool, and drink beer. Or not ever complain that I do... Go ahead, get the big piece of chicken, there's always more on the way!

Matt Barnes's head is in the game now that he doesn't have Luke Walton sitting next to him and telling him how lucky they are to have these courtside seats.

Epiphany! All my life I've considered myself smarter than I was talented... until now, why choose when you've been blessed with both!

This guy just walked up to me and offered to change my oil right here in the grocery store parking lot for $5. Wow!

I just saw a chick so thick I swore she was hiding a toddler behind one of her thighs... She wasnt lol!

The same people who believe in the all powerful government conspiracy theories believe the wizard kalhemnutnut controls the desert sands...

Everyone has feelings, some control theirs and others are controled by them. Each party thinks they're right. I just want to party...

Another beautiful day in paradise! I wish these fools would stop killing each other!

When the puzzle finds out that I know all the pieces this game is over!

That's all folks! (cue the looney tunes music!)

Never, never, never give up your POWER!

PSA: Aspiring rappers if your life is like your cd and it's 99% drugs, killing, and strip clubs your life is actually pretty pathetic and you're an idiot... real talk you may be retarded and not in the way we should have compassion for you... expand your mind

I bought my last rap album back in 1999, I may be black but I don't listen to crap... Give me music, not album fillers of wanna be singles that didn't make it...

Outside of the whiplash I incurred I love being around so many beautiful women at one time... support your local open mics!

I'd be heartless if it wasnt for the fact that I'm not... smh

I ran into someone tonight that said I be cracking them up with my updates outside of my inner circle... Thank you! My work here is done!

Work hard, ride clean, and let the hataz pick up the tab!

Get cha mind right open mic making me wish I was on a date 2nite! Yeah i'd be gettin sum 2nite! The definition of DOPE!

Shout out to petey mac & govna doing a comedy show in ocean springs MS tonight! Kill em!

Award the poet in the building! Yeah I still got poems inbetween these jokes lol!

Get cha mind right open mic is about to start! Get your butts down here! What will I do tonight?!?!? LoL

I still cannot tell if the negro tribe of the 2 corners is friendly or not, If only I could translate their favorite phrase to yell out 'pussyassniggas'

the negro tribe of the 2 corners appears to be engaged in a welcome ceremony or aggressive terittorial behavior towards the new clan in my village

I used to think I was deep then I realized there is more sky above than ground below... Now I'm fly!

If I have anything in common with Homer Simpson it's that I'm FUN DAD!

I may not real have any game but I sure can control the chicas on my TV screen... mute button lol and bring a friend!

I'm the coolest guy you'll ever know that hates your guts...

Dont forget gulf coast Get cha mind right open mic is now weekly! @ the purple cafe 2morrow!

Ever since I can remember I been poppin my collar!

$250k of playground equipment on a acre of land, where are the kids playing? In a mud hole...

Just saw a kid get a full on facial trying to push another kid on the swing... All dads present said BOOOOM and lol... Ok it was just me sayin boom

The wind in your face, the speed, the trill of pushing it to the edge and back again.... A kid on a swing...

Why is this kidless dude at the playground working out... Weird.... He must be looking for the family package or he's warmin up to snatch a kid & run...

The playground is not the place to pick up chicks unless you want the family value package...

Just found out I'm a descendant of african kings! Also Kony is my cousin...

The #1 social problem with the world is the idea that not only is royalty still tolerated, but that it's still idolized... WTH?

I'm going to vote today, not just for the civil right movement, the civil war, the revolutionary war, but mostly for the Magna Carta. Down with the King!

One day I'll learn to dream again... When I remember how to fly...

There's nothing like the company of a beautiful wonderful woman to make you feel like you've done something with your life... she'll be your gay coworker with a hot girlfriend who's not interested in you and besides you're married... lol you suck dude

The AWard comedy show is going down soon real soon, I need all hot supadupa fine ultradiva powerupsexy is your beastmode dymepeice chicks to raise your hands so I can give you free tickets, front row seats, and a bottle of wine... you do have to take picture with me at the show to make me look good!

If there's one thing I've learned in this world; any message, meeting, school, party, job, or essentially any moment of existence without hot chicks is not worth it...

I'm so sorry if I've offended anyone lately, I've been meaning to get to you sooner...

When I told my side chick I was thinking of getting a main chick she got mad! What I say?!?!?

I'm done... so done... LEAVE ME ALONE!

someone tell the knicks the "we all win" as long as we all participate model isn't for pro sports unless you're tebow

the knicks play like they want to make sure everyone gets involved instead of get the win lol, "we all win" stops after preschool

The air jordan condom would be the end of niggas as we know it!

Being broke dont make hope float... It leaves it beached... Free willy!

I don't know if the Republicans are fielding presidential candidates or doing a touring comedy show. I haven't seen any tickets for sell yet maybe this is just the promotion tour... I might be interested in a few good laughs, I enjoyed the Democrats self help tour of 2008... IJS

I feel sorry for those women who accused herman cain, no book deal, they played their hand to early & people R like you did what!?!?!

Out of fustration the republican party has selected me as their presidential canidate... I have approved this status...

Ain't nuthin but a G thang baby!

I've been taking this latest project waaay to serious... time to finish, showcase and move on...

Trust me... You'll save the world when you save yourself...

85% done ..... 15% to go

Rendering video is like the weird convo the next day when you decide maybe the one night stand was enough...

My twitter bots keep trying to get me a job... I wish they were real...

Time to shift into the night gear!

I need a trade...

Every political office should pay minimum wage, require living in public housing, required public school for their children, and a food stamp card if they complain... you'd see some "change then"

When you reach a fork in the road sometimes you have to ask yourself. WTF am I on this road for? N get off the beaten path.

it's going to get crazy from here on out... this is your last warning to un-friend or de-follow me or whatever if you take things to serious... this page is for entertainment purposes only... that's right, you amuse me!

Define Alfred: On paper, pathetic. In person, awesome. So so awesome!

Just because I can point out your flaws doesnt mean I hate you, it just means I know who you are...

I wanna say something positive before I end this round... Women you're only as beautiful as you think you are!

I'm tired of being called a white guy trapped in a black guy's body... It should be clear to all that I'm Japanese...

If you met her family and they say in earnest "what are you doing with my daughter?"... run, apparently there's something you should know and probably don't want to find out

turn to your neighbor and tell em "Can I get a retweet!"

The movie's about 85% done...

This chick told me I must like ugly women, I said " What are those? I've never met one..."

thinking about having a contest/promotion in which the winner gets an ipad3... I think that'd be nice...

Enough is enough, back to working on this movie...

If I can't blame you for my problems, why are we friends?

In macdonalds wishing they sold actual food... I'm hungry...

Even when you can't do your best, do yourself!

Get cha mind right open mic!!!

Tonight I officially became a comic!

Best part about being an adult, you can have candy without it ruining your appetite!

"There are no new ideas. There are only new ways of making them felt."

WTH ya'll got going on? Me thinks Me gone do some work...

Just had a talk with my pops... it's always good to speak to someone who's not going to mince words...

Ist time ever watching americanidol WTF up with randy and saying 'dude' that dude said dude 50x's in the show

Random TMI FYI ... my personal record for the most mosquito bites at once is >= 100 collected over a couple days of july 1992... ouch, I must've looked like a buffet

What it do pimpin?

News Flash! I can now afford ad space on Limbaughs show!!!!! Time to push my new ED product! Blue Balls Gel 3000!

Monkeys with guns... any questions?

Remember closed mouths don't get fed!

She said she broke up with me because I'm a tool. I promptly corrected her, I'm THE tool...

Lesson to learn from Limbaugh anytime you back down from your statements you go from hunter to hunted... you don't have a position of power because of your opposition but because of your followers... what he should have done was release a "you're a slut" rap single on youtube, announced a new book, and went on SNL

We all see the same problems, but we all have different answers however the worse problem is when your solution to proving me wrong is to oppress or kill me instead of just showing me HOW or WHY you're right... That's usually done when you can't and by psychopaths

Who wants to join Team Space Monkeys? Holla at me!

Hey who wants to go sell drugs? Let's get rich! Let's get Pfizer money!

Why the hell are all these NFL players/teams/coaches/ snitching?!?!? Ok you make $5,000,000 a year but if you get a big hit I give you $500 spending money to go kick it after the game... big deal, they're always trying to knock a mofo out, that's their job... if it gets to dirty they already have rules for that...

My favorite movie is fight club > eharmony.com = match.com > christianmingle.com because you can just take your ass to church

I made cupcakes! No, you can't have any, they're magic cupcakes...

I often find myself second guessing my words because It's hard to judge just how much of a chump the person I'm speaking to is... they might be sensitive lmao...

Dare to dare to dare...

the space monkeys are coming..

MobileAL walmart robbery... That was not cool!

I'm bubbles gangsta cousin...

the start of humanity was when one monkey figured out he could kill another monkey with a stick and it triggered an arms race..

Going to sleep... If the world ends before I wake I will find peace in the knowledge that you're not an astronaut either...

time to work some magic!

as we enter the 3rd month of 2012 I've noticed a drop off in 'end of the world' chatter... believing in your own imminent doom actually feels pretty dumb huh? just don't drink the koolaid okay...

never be so focused on your individual steps that you fail to see that you're walking through paradise...

Tiger's back... To think I stopped following the tourney after he barely made the cut and turns out he almost won the damn thing... The W's will return soon...

lucky people generate good fortune via four basic principles. They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

The oddest thing I ever said during sex was "Could you put that phone down?"

Everything that ever was, is and will be is all in your mind... You can thank me for the secret to life later...

The New Orleans Pirates...

Everyday my bank sends me a text reminding me of how much money I don't have... It's like I'm married... lol

People who blame Lebron for not closing are turning me into a Lebron fan... I love siding against the haters

For black history month I toned down my jerkness... never again, the world's but a stage and I'm just reciting my lines, "You're stupid"

I'm not boycotting Rush Limbaugh, I need him around long enough to insult me one day...

Attention Artists I need some music for a video I'm working on... think "afroman", "devin da dude"... inbox me for details... this is an "exposure thing"

Follow @iamaward on twitter Baby Baby!

Is there a newer term that todays youngsters are calling black people that's quite offensive?

Its easy to keep track of ur kid on the playground when he's the only one running screaming i'm a pirate!!!

get $!

Go Diego Go!