There's always that moment when tutoring kids over 12 for the big test when I ask them what cheating methods have they tried so far...

Being a man is never having to say "OMG I'm pregnant!" That just about sums it up...

Twitter, the last place to be free online... until CNN blasts one of your tweets and all of America considers you to be a jerk...

Obama better sing while Bill Clinton backs him up on the sax... In 2012 that's what politics is all about baby! That and rich politicians making sure poor people don't receive the same welfare benefits that they enjoy... It's taxpayers money isn't it?

@Klout is just like being in a relationship. Apparently regardless of what you do it changes a little bit everyday and no one knows why..

Sooo I found this PS2 and Xbox sitting on the side of the street... Why not throw em in the trunk... Playing Grand Theft Auto right now lol! ... One man's trash is another's ______. You know the deal.

I'm done... Find me on twitter @iamaward

Overcommunication has ruined a lot of relationships... Why do you keep bringing it up when you KNOW they're not going to understand...

I discovered English isnt my first language but it must make do because throwing poop is socially unacceptable no matter how effective it is

RT @jewishcomedians: "There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook." ~Groucho Marx Jewish Comedy

RT @huffpostcomedy: Every 2040 presidential candidate already unelectable due to Facebook http://t.co/kFYyi5Ki

To all the haters out there who think you're better than me. After I sleep with your girl, I'll let her decide! Thats what I call a win/win/win!

Frog legs! The chicken of the swamp! Good food!

hi

I may not be a flat earther but I am a flat taxer...

How to tell if a chick isnt right for you, ask her to pick something to drink on her way over and she shows up with a non-alcoholic beverage...

You ever read a 400 page book and pages 390 to 392 change everything and after 393 all the pages are blank? Thanks a lot!

I heard there's this one chick that when she swipes your debit card with her phone app ur bank statement says "Go get tested". Buyer Beware.

This chick ran my debit card and my bank statement says I paid for "happiness" I asked for a refund...

I'm glad more women are getting credit card reader apps for their smartphones. Now I get to just skip dinner and go straight to their place...

You know you're young when you refer to myspace as old

After the hologram tupac performance every mega church is now placing order's for hologram Jesus's to preach every sermon... payyourtithes

Whateverst thou postedth on facebook and twitter so shall it be postedth in Heaven... newBIBLEversus

In the newest version of the bible the book of life has been replaced by an app and God will review your social network updates...

A barrel of monkeys is only fun when you're not in the barrel with the scared monkeys you've tortured by putting in a barrel...

I'm pissed at J-Lo for introducing me to the word goosies.. a meme the world could do without, much like her music, and movies, and judging...

Girls just wanna have FUN! Unless you're a pro athlete or celeb, then they just wanna have funds...

RT @48tweetsofpower: Never appear perfect.

Somebody farted in the training class at work today, I hate work related farts... we're all grown excuse yourself out of the room!!! It's a call center, not surgery damn it!

I'm going to drop a line of fashion tight's this summer with my hand print over the buttocks, it's be branded "What I got 4 yo mama!"

I really need to stop tweeting to celebs like I'm famous... I wonder why they keep tweeting me back lol...

Looks like I'll be getting to do some comedy shows in Da ATL & Da N.O. soon. Don't hate on my rise, cause you already loved my fall!!!

You can always find me at a high school looking for the single mom's dropping off the team's stars... Helloooo draft pick momma!

I try to date multiple women with athletic kids, they go pro and I'm the one who wins! Date with your head, not just your 3rd leg!

I tell a chick as soon as her biological clock is up I'll be all over her! Brothers you can have the babies, I just want your ladies!

I don't date chicks under 21 (u cant buy me liquor) and I avoid 25 to 35 (emotionally needy and always trying to have dozens of babies)... but 21 to 24 and 35 + are just right! Ya'll just wanna have fun! Who wants to go shoot pool!

When I take what you just said and turn it into yet another convo about me it's just my way of saying I heard you and thanks, I wanted to talk about myself and just needed another topic...

Ever woke up from a really good nap and realized you were still at work...

ImDone nite-nite

I heard hologram tupac got arrested for molesting an iphone... there wasn't an app for that...

the internet is so cool... my mom will probably ask me if I saw hologram tupac two days from now when it makes to local news in bama lol!

I just got a text from hologram tupac telling me to stop it, he's the ghost in the shell...

I heard hologram tupac is going on Oprah... and is about to sign a 10 album deal

I heard hologram tupac was shooting dice backstage and caught internet VD by visiting some porn site without antivirus software...

I can see some chick right now saying hologram tupac forced himself on her backstage, she got pregnant, and needs holochild support after he serves his prison sentence on a thumb drive

I wonder how long until someone tries to shoot hologram tupac and it catches a case...

I love it when someone says I love the way you walk with such style and I tell them I have a limp because of a broken leg... built in pimp stroll lol!

I have but one redeeming feature... I OWN all of my flaws so well I make them look awesome!

I have but one answer to all of anyone's demographic questions: I'm a space monkey the greatest of all the apes!

When I take what you just said and turn it into yet another convo about me it's just my way of saying I heard you and thanks, I wanted to talk about myself and just needed another topic...

Never let your side chick park her car in your space... Side chicks notice these things... Like giving her some of the good liquor...

Baby if I cut on the light while we're screwing it's not you, I just sobered up and I'm looking for a way out and my clothes... plus the condom... got to double check it's on right! I need a side chick upgrade :-( lol

Everybody check out @Youngbloodogrcp my boi killa with these beats! http://ping.fm/upFGI

I think the hardest part about being a black guy in comedy is when do you finally put on the dress. The timing has to be just right.......... to early and it's just weird, to late and you need intervention...

Just went on an entire new tangent on my B movie... shooting some new footage to go with what I already had! This is going to be bananas!

I haven't cursed anyone out in almost a month... Something's not right... Hey you, say something stupid!

Tennessee's Anti-Science Bill Becomes Law - http://ow.ly/adZMz via @trendspottr

Whats going on today! Whats the biz gulf coast?

Mobile AL whats a decent used tire place I can go to?

twitter really messes me up because usually most of my thoughts are longer than a sentence... except that one @iamaward, and that one, and..

I've found I'm best at my job when I have horrible headaches or hungover. I dont do my best work, but I figure I'm feeling just like my boss and my customers ... we get along a lot better that way

Only in America is everyone so caught up in Obama black this or white that... for most of the world's inhabitants he just looks like the guy from down the street...

Remember eating different color candies when you where a kid & going up to your friends saying look my tongue is BLUE! As if it was amazing!

I have the sudden urge for big ol cold glass of super sweet koolaid... red koolaid... OH YEAH!!!

I feel weird sometimes and then I notice all of you are still here... and it makes me feel worse...

You ever get that weird feeling when you're trying to give someone your facebook or twitter address and they insist on exchanging phone #'s... like WTH does this person actually plan on calling me? WTF! I don't even know them!!!... maybe it's just me...

I told this chick I was taking her to a buffet and walked over to a bush and started picking berries... smooth yeah... lol

For their own protection every male pro athlete should be required to deposit 5 kids worth of kid material in the sperm bank when they sign with their first pro contract and get vasectomies.

I'm a sales machine baby baby!

The Get cha mind right open mic is packed!!! Mobile AL Georgia ME GAME in the house!

GAME IS ON THE MIC!!! You better ask somebody!

The Get cha mind right open mic is packed!!! Mobile AL Georgia ME GAME in the house!

Mobile AL you missing out on the Get cha mind right open mic! Georgia me is in town!!! And me lol!

this one chick said that was bitter, i told her she doesn't always have to swallow.................. her liquor without a chaser...

the world needs a sport specifically for steroid users. Or like the NFLS national football league of steroid users, NBA, MLB track etc

Looking to buy a used FEMA trailer...

I think I'm about to buy a tent... A nice tent, one I can stand up in, and go camping...

Is it me or do these Jesus movies really focus on his smart alek responses... I'm sitting here like man Jesus really had some stones!

before the movie inception when I had a dream in a dream etc it was cool, now it just seems lame... thanks a lot hollywood!

RT @jewishcomedians: "Romantic love is mental illness. But a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality & that's the point of it." ~Fran Lebowitz

I always say, I'm not afraid of the day robots take over the world... by then I'd be a cyborg...